10. Rub your skidmarked underwear in her face

9. Stare at other guys dicks

8. Dump a used condom on her mother

7. Put tabasco on your schlong before she gives you a blowjob

6. Give her an unannounced Cleveland Steamer

5. Bite her beaver really hard

4. Give her the knucklefuckle

3. Take a picture of her butt hair and post it on the internet

2. Put your dick in another girls ass and move it in and out

And the number one way to make your girlfriend hate you is……..

1. Steal her tampons on the heaviest day of her period

This is just too funny not to post. Who the f@ck really responds to this stuff?!

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Subject: ! Grow Giant Snake in Pants
From:”Mathewy_42@mail.com”
To: Monk

A MapQuest map has been sent to you by Mathewy_42@mail.com. Ok so I need a map to find out where my penis enhancement is located? WTF!

Fully licensed service for men who don’t want manhood to stay limp in front of women.

“dont want manhood to stay limp in front of women” Wait a minute I thought we were talking about growing a giant dong????

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I have a guilty pleasure that I indulge quite often in while driving on the highway. I know I am not alone in this. In fact, I can assure you that many of you out there enjoy this same thing as well.

I actually practiced in it a few hours ago. What I am talking about is screwing with someone that tries to pass you from the right lane.

Oh excuse me asshole, my 75 mph aint good enough for you?! Oh yeah! So you are gonna try and put the pedal to the medal in your I-Roc Z and burn by me from the right lane? I don’t think so pal!

This is when I turn up the pace and more or less give the jackoff a vehicular middle finger by blocking their entry into MY lane. I love giving them a little glimmer of hope too. Just a tiny little crevice that they maybe, just maybe, can sneak through to get in front of me.

And then - BAM! - I take it back. Then when they realize that I am an insurmountable foe and fade behind defeatedly me, I’ll slow it down to 60-65 or so just to rub a little salt in the wound.

Victory is mine. And y’all know what I am talking about.

Tibet

Ladies and gentlemen, I had a dream. Only this wasn’t a theoretical dream about equality in America. No, in this dream I was some sort of papparazi that was invited to a private after party with MC Hammer and a “lady” friend of his. And at this after party, I was given permission to take ful frontals of what turned out to be the tranny that Hammer was looking to nail. Stills, video, just her/him, pics with Hammer in them; they were very accomodating. And Hammer was seemingly okay with his date having a package. Here’s the kicker, at the end of the photo shoot, the tranny gets embaressed and and grabs her stuff and leaves and Hammer is like “Okay, have a nice night. Thanks for coming by”. I mean, I have to say, he was a real gentleman.

So that leaves me with this: WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!! How does this shit end up in my brain? Also, I thin papparazis are the absolute scum of the earth and I would never take advantage of Hammertime like that… for the record. So if you see a big spread featuring MC Hammer and his tranny date in US Weekly, just know I didn’t take the pictures.